


Nothing's Ever Free

by Joji_Sada



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Out of Character, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-20
Updated: 2008-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-01 13:39:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10191101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joji_Sada/pseuds/Joji_Sada
Summary: This is written in response toMV’s Song Lyric Challenge # 27.  Lucius has led Severus down an unforgiving path and Severus has to decide what to do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Disclaimer:** I don’t own a damn thing though I do dream otherwise on occasion.

**A/N:** This is written in response to **MV’s Song Lyric Challenge # 27**. I think this is my fourth Song Lyric Response I have managed. Dear Merlin, who knows what’s next. The song is **With This Knife** By: **Smile Empty Soul**. I hope you all enjoy it.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Swayed by pretty words—even I should have known better. No one wants to be your friend; they all want something in return. It’s a price more damaging than selling your soul.

It’s yourself.  
 __  
I let myself fall into a lie  
I let my walls come down

He sought me out in my second year. Hell, he even defended me against the Marauders. He hexed them and all those who laughed at me. Many learned very quickly not to come near me, for fear of Lucius’ wrath.

I thought he was helping me. He wasn’t. He was isolating me—molding me.

_I let myself smile and feel alive  
I let my walls come down_

He told me that I was important. I didn’t believe him. 

I didn’t….Not at first.

**** **** **** ****  
 _ **  
The wind is beating me bloody, the red blossoming in my cheeks far darker than I would have liked. But, really, I don’t care. I know I’m not handsome; or beautiful. Those are words saved for people like Lucius---people whose reflection does not run from them in fright.**_

_**It’s dark out--only one star; one star fading quickly like a candle in the rain. It’s fading, like me.** _

_**I am not safe at home. But, no one cares enough to ask about that. Not that I would mention it. Really, what kind of weakling am I if I can’t even protect myself?** _

_**I am not safe here. There are enemies at every turn and even the castle walls have turned blind when I am hurting. There is no one.** _

_**I should jump. And I would—if I could succeed. There are protections placed here for students like me. Though, I am willing to bet the protections may fail; just for me. Everything else has.** _

_****** _

_**I never heard him enter the room. Not until he wrapped his arms around me. I was surprised. Why would he want to touch something so weak, so dirty?** _

_**“What’s wrong beautiful?”** _

_**I sighed. “You have become blind Lucius.”** _

_**“A Malfoy is never blind. He sees every aspect of everything.”** _

_**“Then you are a liar.”** _

_**“Malfoys do…”** _

_**“…not lie. Yes, yes, I know.”** _

_**“Then trust me.”** _

_**“I am not beautiful by any standard.”** _

_**“You are to me. And, that is all that matters.”** _

_**I feel safe finally. I feel safe because he is holding me. Maybe I should have paid more attention to him and not been so desperate that the word “beautiful” deafened me to his scheming—my undoing.** _

**** **** ****

_No matter how I try I don’t know why  
You push so far away_

Lily, sweet Lily, tried to help me once. She tried to warn me but I refused to listen. Someone finally cared about me and I ignored them in favor of my own vanity. 

She was jealous, or so I told myself. She didn’t want me to have happiness, I forced myself to believe. She was taunting me. She was so happy with Potter and yet she didn’t want me to be happy as well.

She hated me. She pitied me. I lied to myself.

And that lie led me to one word I never wanted her to hear, “Mudblood.”

_You wrapped your hands tight around my heart  
And squeezed it full of pain_

Lucius was a godsend. Ironically, such a higher power I could never trust in. If he was there, then why did I have to suffer for so long?

And I never saw the hint of red hidden in his eyes, reading blind to darkness.

His supposed love…

Love I thought was meant for me.

_With this knife I’ll cut out the part of me_  
The part that cares for you  
With this knife I’ll cut out the heart of me  
The heart that cares for you 

I can still feel his hands caress my neck, cradling me. I can feel his lips softly touch mine as he showed me he cared. I can hear the hitch in my breath as his kisses travel across my collarbone and done to one nipple. He sucks gently, massaging my sanity from me. 

My back arches when he dips his tongue into my navel. His hands warm as they hold my hips. He’s exploring, teasing, tasting. He doing everything to make me forget, make me his.

Captured in the warmth of his mouth, I would do anything for him.

And I told him so.

_I can’t believe the way you took me down  
I never saw the pain_

He led me to a man who could give me power; acceptance. He led me to my weakness.

The Dark Arts.

It’s all consuming and there is no escape. Once it captures you, you become a slave to the Darkness.

And the Dark Lord.

_Coming in a million broken miles  
Like poison for my veins_

The Dark Mark burns as he calls. Every bit of violence floods me and it’s intoxicating—inescapable.

My definition.

_With this knife I’ll cut out the part of me_  
The part that cares for you  
With this knife I’ll cut out the heart of me  
The heart that cares for you 

Lashes burn my thighs. The taste of my blood is bittersweet. It is freedom and bondage.

It is me.

The silver fights me as it cools my flesh. Maybe one day I’ll be free. 

Maybe.

_With this knife I’ll cut out the part of me_  
The part that cares for you  
With this knife I’ll cut out the heart of me  
The heart that cares for you 

But, Maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to be free.

_The hate and the fear_

He betrayed me. He tried to kill me; verbally, as he told my secret.

I was a traitor to the cause.

So he was a traitor to me.

_The nightmares that wake me up_

**_“Come forward, Ssseverusss.”_ **

**_I did as asked, bowing and kissing his robes. My breathing controlled even as my mind was frantic behind its shields._ **

**_“You have betrayed me, my dear Potions Master.” The Dark Lord hissed. “You have been working for the Light.” He ripped the mask from my face and threw it at my feet. “Your blood will stain that mask before the night is through.”_ **

**_“No,” I breathed, unable to stop myself. There was only one person who knew my secret. He couldn’t have, right?_ **

**_“Oh yesss, Sseverusss.”_ **

**_I felt the brush of Crucio as I backed away. I was surrounded. All of them were staring, but I felt the heat of one gaze more than any other. Lucius was watching and, even hidden, I could feel his silent laughter caressing me a sweetly as he once had in person._ **

**_But, I was lucky. I always have a back-up._ **

**_A portkey._ **

**_Just as a curse blasted my back._ **

**_I’ll survive._ **

**_I always do._ **

_In the tears  
The nightmares and (the hate)..._

Dreamless Sleep is no longer enough. I feel him and my disgust as I still long for him. However much he used me, he showed me love.

Even I deserve some of that…

Right?

_The hate and the fear_  
The nightmares that wake me up   
_In tears  
The nightmares and the hate_

He taunted me. I could feel tears on my face. After so many years, I cannot hide anymore. The nightmares, the betrayal, and the broken trust, has taken its toll on me. I am just a shell. A shell, hell bent on vengeance.

I found him easily on the battlefield. He always took joy in making people suffer before he killed them.

So, I would make him suffer.

I shot Petrificus at him. I wanted him vulnerable, like he had made me.

There would be no easy death.

I moved to him, straddling his frozen body.

“It is your turn Lucius. For everything I ever gave you and everything you ever took. I will repay you.” I pulled a dagger from within my robes, finding a sickening glee at the widening of his eyes. “I will gladly go to Azkaban just to see you go to Hell.”

With that, I plunged the dagger into his stomach; over and over until the ground around us was stained and my hands were crimson with justice. 

It felt good to watch his eyes slowly dim and the last of his fighting to stop after I lifted the spell.

It felt like power.

And I felt contentment as I stared at the man who had once given me hope. His death was well worth my sanity. 

He had taken most of it and there would be nothing for the Dementors anyway.

**** **** **** ****

That was how they found me; in the silent battleground. Kneeling next to him, the blade within my own chest; I could hear them; scrambling—wondering. I killed him, his blood painting the scars on my arms. Those same scars his words etched into me. I took my retribution and I was satisfied.  
I was ready.

Slowly, it left. The voices dimmed, the coldness faded, and the fire died.

Slowly, I felt it; the arms around me—A kiss to my cooling skin.

Someone cared. Someone forgave me.

Someone...

Someone stole my hatred with their tears—their sorrow.

Someone gave me peace as my body sagged and my hands dropped from the blade in my chest.

One cold hand closed my eyes and led me from my bitterness; my nightmares.

He gave me peace…

Because I gave him protection…

I guess nothing’s ever free.


End file.
